Employing the same formula that brought them championships in 1997 and 2003, the Miami Marlins announced that they have signed prized free agents Albert Pujols, Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle and Ryan Madson and immediately began planning the fire sale that has shortly followed those two World Series titles.
“We don’t actually have much money,” Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria said. “The plan is to win the Series before anyone realizes we’re way behind on payroll.”
The Marlins, whose home attendance is historically low and who averaged a NL-worst 19,000 fans a game last year, say that they will simply hold another fire sale after winning the World Series.
“We couldn’t afford Albert Pujols if he were the only player on our roster,” Loria said. “He would have to play all nine positions, pinch hit and close our games for us too. The only way we could get $200 million out of any of our fans is if we mugged them and resold all their cocaine and weapons on the black market.”
By Rob C. Christiansen