New Cubs manager Dale Sveum has promised to change the culture of the Lovable Losers by attempting to get the club back to fundamentals. While one might think this means simple fielding, listening and hustling plays, Sveum has come up with an extremely original idea regarding the fundamentally inept left fielder Alfonso Soriano.
“I’m sending him to Skipping School,” Sveum said in a press conference yesterday.
Apparently, the new manager has opted to refer Soriano to a local skipping instructor, Sherry Glastonbury—a nearby pre-school teacher in Villa Park. Glastonbury plans to implement the help of local 4 year old, Timmy Johnson. “I’ll follow up with Red Rover if I have to,” reported Glastonbury.
When asked why he opted to send Soriano to skipping school as opposed to fielding instruction or other more traditional means, Sveum said, “We all know he’s never going to stop doing that annoying hop when he attempts a catch. We also know he’s inevitably going to drop what’s hit to him. Lastly, we know we have to play him because we’re stuck with that godforsaken contract of his. The least we can do is enjoy watching whatever that prance is he’s attempting to do out there.”
Sveum is also considering other options for Cubs players—including Jujitsu classes for Carlos Zambrano. “We know he’s going to blow up. Let’s at least get some real entertainment out of the ordeal,” said Sveum.
Catcher Geovany Soto was ordered to take cooking classes. “If he’s going to come in that overweight and out of shape, I better at least get a quality cookie or piece of cake out of the deal,” Sveum added.
When asked for comment about his new assignment, Soriano prepared a response. However, he tripped on his way to the interviewers’ table and was quickly resigned to the clubhouse before press could follow up.