Following Kyle Orton’s release from the Denver Broncos, many around the NFL believe the Bears will re-sign their former QB to lead the team to the playoffs during Jay Cutler’s recovery from a broken thumb.

“Only if he grows back the neckbeard,” said Bears GM Jerry Angelo. “We’re not particularly interested in some clean-shaven, wimpy version of Kyle. We want the messy drunk who led us to 10 victories in 2005.”

More than willing to oblige, Orton immediately began downing “a ton” of whiskey to prepare for his possible return to Chicago if he clears waivers.

Heckler George