Penn State is requesting an emergency exemption from NCAA policies barring the paying of recruits due to continued fallout from the Sandusky scandal.

“Let’s be realistic, how else are we going to get any football players to come here now?” was the question newly appointed Penn State Athletic Director Dr. David Joyner asked a room full of media yesterday. “I know it goes against everything the NCAA stands for but damn, I don’t know what else to do. My wife made me take this job.”

In his first official act as AD, Joyner, along with the Board of Trustees, composed an 18-page plea begging for mercy that was faxed to NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis. There is no word yet from NCAA President Mark Emmert whether he has read or even yet received the petition. A call was placed to his office yesterday just before Happy Hour.

“We have been inundated with faxes from Penn State ever since the scandal broke,” President Emmert’s secretary said. “I’m sure it’s in the pile somewhere. He’ll get to it when he get’s to it but right now we have to get over to Chili’s.”

Despite the overwhelming amount of turmoil some positive news surfaced. After meeting Friday night, Penn State’s Interfraternity Council voted unanimously to allow the varsity football team to join their Saturday morning cartoon keg league beginning in Fall 2013 once “all the good players have either graduated or gotten the hell out of here.”