Breaking!

“It’s like a prayer,” gushed Melissa Samson, latest NFL convert. “I’m going to get into the groove during half time of the Stupid Bowl this year. Additional Madonna song lyric!”

News broke today that Theo Epstein outbid Patrick Sharp for a $3 million single family in Lakeview last month had Epstein scared stiff.

As the Bears prepare to face the resurgent Broncos later this month, GM Jerry Angelo has announced a surprise personnel move to counter the play of rookie QB Tim Tebow by hiring Pontius Pilate as an assistant coach on the defensive line. Pilate, the fifth prefect of the Roman providence of Judaea, has no prior coaching experience, but should be able to apply his expertise in the area of defeating messiahs.

"We're not stupid," said commissioner Bud Selig. "No way are we going to risk tarnishing the reputation of Major League Baseball in the middle of the season. All that can be done after the World Series is over and I'm out of sight out and mind in Tahiti for four months."

Brown has tried to separate himself from that link, quitting baseball, and eventually settling down with his wife Rosa on their small alpaca farm in Peru. But he couldn't run away from the news delivered from Cooperstown on Monday morning.

When San Diego's Mike Tolbert scored a first-quarter TD Monday night against Jacksonville, it gave the Chargers a 7-0 lead but also dealt the country's last undefeated fantasy football team its first loss of the season and provided the 1972 Dolphins with yet another reason to celebrate their claim to fame.

According to sources, suspended Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh recently decided to drive around and "annihilate stuff" in his hometown of Portland, smashing any inanimate object that got in the way of his cherry Chevrolet Coupe.