News broke today that Theo Epstein outbid Patrick Sharp for a $3 million single family in Lakeview last month had Epstein scared stiff.

“Oh my god, I didn’t think that would go public,” said Epstein. “Now the boogeyman coming to get me.”

The boogeyman Epstein was referring to was actually Blackhawks enforcer John Scott, sent to Wrigley Field by coach Joel Quenneville in retaliation for Epstein hitting Sharp in his personal life, where it hurts most.

“There’s a lot of things we’ll tolerate in this league, but disrupting a man’s home life is not one of them.” said Quenneville. “Unless of  course you sleep with his wife, but only if she’s really hot.”

Even though Epstein is currently in Florida floating bogus claims for Albert Pujols at baseball’s Winter Meetings, he was still scared of Scott.

“I’ve seen a few of that guy’s fights,” said Epstein. “He just starts flailing away with those monkey arms of his and it’s lights out for the poor sap who’s been dumb enough to fight him.”

When Scott arrived at the stadium, quick-thinking security staffers were able to keep him at bay by lying to him, saying Epstein was out enjoying a midday skate in the middle of Wrigley’s skating rink. Scott elected to go home rather than try to venture onto the ice.

“Everyone knows I don’t skate too well,” said Scott, “so I’m reluctant to head out to the middle of a rink for a fight, even if it’s against some pencil-necked baseball geek.”