According to sources, suspended Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh recently decided to drive around and “annihilate stuff” in his hometown of Portland, smashing any inanimate object that got in the way of his cherry Chevrolet Coupe. A tree, a water fountain, a light pole, and a curb were all victims of his wrath.

“Has he learned anything? I want a statement faxed to me by close of business today or I’m adding on a game or two,” said Commissioner Roger Goodell. “To stomp on or attempt to injure human beings is one thing, but to hurt objects that can’t fight back is the worst kind of bullying. That’s what serial killers do. The fact that he used such a fine-ass muscle car to carry out his deeds is what really chaps my cheeks.”

A decision on whether Suh’s suspension is extended or not is expected by the end of the week.