“We’re not stupid,” said commissioner Bud Selig. “No way are we going to risk tarnishing the reputation of Major League Baseball in the middle of the season. All that can be done after the World Series is over and I’m out of sight out and mind in Tahiti for four months.”

According to new HGH testing being implemented in MLB, players have to be totally clean during spring training and after their season ends, but in between it’s “don’t ask, don’t tell,” because the league is not even going to try and catch them.

Commissioner Selig’s counterpart in the NFL thinks the whole idea of testing for anything other than weed and blow is ludicrous. Commissioner Roger Goodell could hardly hold back his anger.

“Selig is such a selfish jerk,” he said. “Now all the crypt keepers in Congress are going to pressure me to start testing in football. Like I don’t have enough problems. Thanks a lot, putz. It isn’t as if he really did anything anyway.”