Shouting for his mommy and mumbling “Padres, please, Padres,” the 6-foot-5 third-baseman from the University of San Diego was given a timeout by his dad. Bryant was then put into a strait-jacket and carted off to a local hospital for observation.
"I think I'd be a great addition to the team," Smith morosely told reporters. "I mean, I can picture it now. Curt, Mike, Howie, Terry, Jimmy, and myself. All cracking jokes. Jokes about football. Oh, how they would laugh."
"Dempster is brilliant when it comes to pitching," said Cubs President Theo Epstein, "but he really needs to work on his practical jokes. He's been dry for sometime now."
"As you can tell from the photos, I was partying my balls off all day and got a little tired," said Kane, "but I wasn't passed out. I was just taking a quick nap. I'm not some candy-ass who can't handle his booze or something."