NFL

“Hello friends,” said CBS’ Jim Nance, who is set to call the game with broadcast partner Phil Simms. “This game is not about Tony Romo or Rob Ryan or Reggie Bush, but a big buffoon who left his mark on Thanksgiving Day nearly two decades ago, Leon Lett, who will perhaps go down as the biggest turkey of them all.”

The speculation this week as to when Jay Cutler injured his thumb on his throwing hand came to an end today. Jerry Angelo met with the media briefly and admitted that the injury happened in the locker room after the game when both [Julius] Peppers and Cutler decided to have a ‘Thumb War’ to see who would pick up dinner Sunday night.

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

When Patriots Rob Gronkowski landed awkwardly on his neck while scoring his second TD of the night Monday, concerns were immediately set off that he may have suffered a concussion. The six-foot-seven tight end downplayed further reports that he had indeed suffered head trauma, claiming he "just really stupid."

"It's been a whirlwind," Palmer told reporters. "First I was a retired member of the Cincinnati Bengals, and then I was throwing more interceptions than touchdowns for the Oakland Raiders, and now here I am, ready to totally torpedo the Chicago Bears season."

In an effort to make one of its premier teams more exciting, the NFL will allow Giants’ running back Brandon Jacobs to line up next to the opposition’s defensive line effective immediately.

"I'm just so, so happy!" Redskins owner Daniel Snyder shouted while dancing at Fur sporting oversized neon Wayfarers and double fisting Pellegrino after Washington's OT loss at home to the Cowboys. "We almost won! We almost won! Tom and Katie should have been at [Sunday's] game!"