Sports Business

"I'd just like to say thank you to all of the fans of ESPN out there who keep watching us week in and week out to hear the exact same catchphrases, jokes, and my stupid nicknames!" said Chris Berman.

League officials were said to be initially skeptical of the new competition, but they were convinced after watching hours of taped "highlights" of recent Cubs, Astros and Mariners games.

"McCown was awesome," Greenblatt gushed. "I mean, Forte was also awesome, and so was that offensive line, but McCown, man, he was something else. Our backup guy was so much better than the Packers backup guy."

“We stand for low, low rates on car insurance,” said company representative Ray Reed. “But one thing you can’t skimp on is clearing skaters out of the crease. It doesn’t take a caveman to know that. Remember them? The Geico cavemen? They briefly had a sitcom. Wow.”

“We realize that we had agreed to replace Old Style with Bud, but at the same time we’re actively trying to make the game day experience much more fun for families,” said Cubs Business President Crane Kenney.

“You probably don’t know this about me, but I really know how to invest money,” said Samardzija. “We’re talking stocks, bonds, various hair care products, a giant pirate flag for my front lawn. Like an old flag from a real pirate ship. That has to cost a lot, right? I can totally turn this thing around."

Still hoping to sign their star pitcher to a long-term contract, the Cubs are claiming a lack of the cash needed to do so. Rather than open up their own wallet, the team is turning to crowd-funding website Kickstarter to raise the money needed to re-sign Samardzjia.