In an announcement that had very little suspense, ESPY Awards show host Jon “Don Draper” Hamm presented ESPN with the ESPY for “Most Awesome, Unbiased Sportscasting” at their annual self-serving awards show Wednesday night. ESPN was the only nominee in the category and voting was restricted to ESPN personnel only. The network allowed longtime company loudmouth Chris Berman to accept the award on their behalf. Berman excitedly jumped on stage and began to drool and sweat all over the trophy.

“I’d just like to say thank you to all of the fans of ESPN out there who keep watching us week in and week out to hear the exact same catchphrases, jokes, and my stupid nicknames! You clearly enjoy as much ESPN as you can handle! This award reassures us that we do the right thing by giving the people what they want with constant updates about Tim Tebow, the Yankees, Red Sox, Tom Brady, Yasiel Puig, the Lakers, Dwight Howard, Tim Tebow and the Yankees. Oh, and the Red Sox.”

ESPN then showed a video that demonstrated their knack for great storytelling with their 25 part series about LeBron James that aired every day after basketball season ended.

“You see, people? That’s not biased! We show LeBron on the court, in practice, chilling with his buds, and hanging with his family. We cover him from all sides!” said Berman. “There is no way you can deny that we cover everything when you consider that we even pay Barry Melrose minimum wage to come in and yap about hockey on SportsCenter for three minutes. I even mention those losers the Buffalo Bills when I use my ‘nobody circles the wagons’ catchphrase.”

ESPN planned to end their ESPYs telecast with a grand “Who Shouts the Loudest?” competition between Berman, Steven A. Smith, Skip Bayless, Tony Kornheiser, Michael Wilbon, and Stuart Scott. The event was cut short however, when a SportsCenter breaking news segment interrupted them with reports that Tom Brady was about to get a haircut.

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