As if news on the North Side couldn’t get any worse, now Cubs fans can’t get properly blitzed at home games, as the Cubs have announced a plan to oust their incoming deal with Budweiser in favor of one with Welch’s Grape Juice.
“We realize that we had agreed to replace Old Style with Bud, but at the same time we’re actively trying to make the game day experience much more fun for families,” said Cubs Business President Crane Kenney. “And we’ve had issues with some fans being over-served during games, so that’s why we wanted this deal with Welch’s.”
A spokesperson for Anheuser-Busch, who owns Budweiser, admitted the company’s confusion.
“We thought we had a legal binding agreement in place with the Cubs, so we’re not sure why they decided to go the Welch’s route,” he said.
This continues a trying month for the team’s fan base. First, it was the debut of Clark the Cub, a kid-friendly move viewed as a slap in the face of baseball purist douchebags. Then Japanese free agent Masahiro Tanaka signed with the Yankees, but not before dashing the hopes of many Cubs fans.
The cherry on top was news that talks between the Cubs and rooftop owners have stalled. Despite being only halfway through a 20-year legal binding agreement not to obstruct rooftop views, the Cubs intend to erect a 650-sqft. advertising sign in right field, while the rooftop owners have responded with litigation. All this threatens to keep much-needed renovations to Wrigley Field in limbo.
Chairman Tom Ricketts tried reassuring fans that the organization still has everyone’s best interests in mind. “This deal with Welch’s will bring in so much more revenue that we can allocate to improvements and player salaries. What parent wouldn’t shell out $12 for a box of grape juice for their crying child?”
When asked his opinion on the new deal, Ald. Tom Tunney (44th), who supports the rooftop owners and has been outspoken against Wrigley Field renovations, simply stated, “The Cubs and Welch’s? Not surprised.”
“It’s just so Cubs,” said one disgruntled fan and beer-drinker. “I want the team to win and I want them to fix up Wrigley, but I want to drink beer, not purple stuff!”
Not to be deterred, Kenney believes this is what’s best for the Cubs and their fans.
“It’s a great pairing, the Cubs and Welch’s. It makes sense in our eyes,” said Kenney. “What better way to say we’re 100% committed to the success of the Cubs than to commit ourselves to 100% grape juice?”