Yesterday, Jeff Samardzija claimed that attempts to maximize the value of his next contract aren’t about money, but a valiant mission to protect future fellow ballplayers. Today, Samardzija took things a step further by hinting that the entire American economy may be at stake.
“You probably don’t know this about me, but I really know how to invest money,” said Samardzija. “We’re talking stocks, bonds, various hair care products, a giant pirate flag for my front lawn. Like an old flag from a real pirate ship. That has to cost a lot, right? I can totally turn this thing around. I’m right on the cusp of being an ace pitcher and job creator. Trust me.”
But the pitcher’s game plan for the economy doesn’t revolve entirely around lavish purchases and investments. Samardzija also has an elaborate pyramid scheme in the works.
“I’ve got this water filter guy ready to go,” said Samardzija. “All I need is a huge, 10-year contract, then to sell ten filters to every player on my team. Then they, for the low cost of $100, can become ‘certified sellers.’ Actually, tell you what, I’ll just write off the certification. Everybody wins. American dream happening right here. Seriously, they should all thank me right now.”