All around the city of Chicago the police and fire department have been called twice more than usual today for inexplicable accidents. Pedestrians have been running into walls, drivers have missed their turns and run into each other, and numerous people have gotten caught halfway through the door on the “L.”
Havoc has reigned today. But what could be the reason behind this series of recent misfortunes?
Local CPD officer Karrin White had an answer.
“Blackhawks fans are obsessed with reliving the best parts of Monday night’s game,” said White. “Some of them are just posting positive comments on social media and the Trib’s site. We caught one who was stuck in a half-open sewer grate and didn’t even know it. Most of them are completely unaware of the damage they are causing with their relentless positivity.”
One such victim of positivity spoke with us on the condition of anonymity. He and/or she was caught in a revolving door for more than an hour as police worked to free him and/or her. As this person was grinning at gifs of Jonathan Toews’ goal and posting what appear to be nonsensical strings of emojis under the pseudonym “CaptSeriousRawks,” they were unaware of the efforts to free them entirely. The emergency rescue workers were miffed, to say the least.
“How many more lives will this slightly inconvenience?” asked one such first responder. “I can’t imagine how much more annoying this will get when they win the second game.”
Mayor Emanuel is said to be considering implementing safety protocols and placing first responders on every corner in order to cut down on wait time. Once he stops posting eggplant emojis on all videos of Kane, of course.