Everything else

“I’m learning all kinds of great stuff in these classes that's going to help me turn this team into a contender,” Ventura said. “Important things, like how to set goals. After all, as [management guru] Peter Drucker says, ‘If you don't know where you're going, you might wind up somewhere else.' Or wait ... was that Yogi Berra?"

Fresh off being named Most Outstanding Player of the Final Four and a National Championship, Kentucky freshman Anthony Davis has landed his first big endorsement deal. The future NBA star will be the new “Wooly Willy.”

Minutes after accepting the 2012 NCAA men's basketball championship Monday night, Kentucky coach John Calipari forfeited the title, citing the inevitable rule violations that will be uncovered in the coming months.

“I’m truly sorry to our university,” said a distraught Calipari. “I spent all my time and resources recruiting professional basketball players. I totally forgot to recruit some real pros to celebrate. I mean, once this title gets vacated, what else are people going to remember?”

"Look, I'm as shocked as any of you are," Weber said to a group of reporters. "I don't have any business coaching here, but I'm going to get this program down to mid-major level within a couple of years. At least that's my goal."

The release said: "Coach Groce's name is pronounced 'gross,' as in the feeling fans had watching our department attempt to fill this position over the past month."

“I can’t say enough good things about the new arena,” Heat star LeBron James said. “The design perfectly captures what me, D-Wade and Chris [Bosh] are trying to accomplish with this team.”