A disgraced Kentucky head coach, John Calipari, issued a release to the press yesterday after a series of weak demonstrations occurred on the university’s Lexington campus.

After the Wildcats defeated intrastate rival Louisville in the national semifinal game, several students took to the streets to set fire to couches and toss over cars. However, university police commented that law enforcement was pleased with how the riots were handled.

“I’m truly sorry to our university,” said a distraught Calipari. “I spent all my time and resources recruiting professional basketball players. I totally forgot to recruit some real pros to celebrate. I mean, once this title gets vacated, what else are people going to remember?”

Calipari stated that he has his eye on some strong recruits from the Detroit area. He has arranged campus visits, and hopes to have them committed by Monday night.

“These guys come from a rich tradition of rioting,” Calipari gloated. “I mean, Halloween 2011 was the bomb! Literally!”

Calipari seemed intently focused on covering every angle of his team’s expected national title.

“This is going to be the best team and mob that money can buy,” said the enthusiastic coach. “People are going to think Lexington is Greece when we’re done with it.”

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