Everything else

Contrary to popular belief, the WNBA still exists, and league officials are pulling out all the stops to gain interest. This year's 2012 WNBA draft was held earlier this week, in a VFW hall outside of Newark, N.J., and was "top optional" to generate interest in the failing league.

"This is the South," said a clearly shaken Long. "We expect our leaders to be able to do certain things, and handling a motorcycle with someone who's not your wife on the back is certainly one of them. I get sick to my stomach every time I read an article that says Coach Petrino 'laid down his motorcycle' after he lost control. What the hell is that?"

Miami Marlins skipper Ozzie Guillen has apologized after several comments made this week. Guillen told the media that he is very sorry for his remarks, in which he professed love and admiration for Fidel Castro and “respects him for staying in power for so long.”

"I did not ride a motorcycle with that woman--Jessica Dorrell," Petrino said as he pointed a finger at the television cameras. "I was riding along and she appeared on my back seat. I did my best to shake her off and the bike got away from me."

“We all have to bear this time of transition together,” said Ricketts. “Also, to be clear, he’s only getting the names of Cubs fans we haven’t already sold to advertisers. Ten-thousand of you are named ‘Reebok’ now, by the way.”

After some high-fives and chest bumps, Calipari thought long and hard over this decision. After all, he has already been to the NBA, and failed once before.

Late Wednesday night, DirecTV announced their squabble with the Tribune Company had ended, subjecting millions of subscribers to the horror of WGN broadcasts of Cubs games this season. Backlash ensued as angry parents and concerned sports fans threatened to end their DirecTV subscriptions immediately.