Red Sox CEO Larry Lucchino has been on a quest to dig as much as possible out of the Cubs organization in compensation for the one remaining year of Theo Epstein’s contract. In light of compensatory prospect Chris Carpenter’s recent injury, Tom Ricketts has reportedly been forcibly working on an additional deal that will allow Lucchino to personally pay a visit to every Cubs fan across the country and ruin one dinner party, date, baby shower or Bar Mitzvah in return for their part in swiping his GM.

“We all have to bear this time of transition together,” said Ricketts. “Also, to be clear, he’s only getting the names of Cubs fans we haven’t already sold to advertisers. Ten-thousand of you are named ‘Reebok’ now, by the way.”

A list of acceptable acts has already been drawn out, and involves annoyances like sitting next to young couples and talking on a cell phone during screenings of “The Hunger Games” and getting too drunk at west-suburban barbeques, then making out with somebody’s cousin.

“I’m a cranky older man,” said Lucchino. “I hate for others to seem happy at my expense. And if you’ve got enough empathy to understand that, then double screw you!”

Bandwagon Dan