D Bags

Paterno was relieved Friday of his duties as a greeter at the Wal-Mart in Pittson, Penn, about five miles outside of Happy Valley. Store personnel said the firing was related to a recent rash of store thefts that happened while Paterno was on duty.

“It’s bad enough Gingers are looked upon as the dregs of society," said NAAGP CEO/President and comedian Carrot Top. "People already think we Gingers have no souls. We don’t need Mike McQueary to perpetuate that stereotype."

When the trade of Carlos Zambrano from the Cubs to the Miami Marlins was announced on Wednesday, passions flared from fan to foe to media. One particular Miami columnist, however, went on a tirade for the ages that sent many local readers into a panic.

“I’ve been reading since I was at least fifteen,” said Carcillo. “There are definitely some classics I’d like to share with the world. And then dispute.”

“It's going to take me a while to recover from spending a weekend at Dennis’s house,” said Gibson. “I shouldn’t even call it a house. Because it’s more like a bordello. We did talk about actual basketball rebounds once. But since, according to Dennis, the key to rebounding is confidence, that just lead to a lot of drinking.”

Spring is just around the corner and for millions of fathers across the country, that can mean only one thing -- time to begin mixed martial arts training for spring youth soccer.

Never one to shy away from a public feud -- most famously with Kobe Bryant and most recently with Dwight Howard -- it appears Shaquille O'Neal has his dander up again, and this time it's Blake Griffin earning the ire of the Big Contrarian.