When the trade of Carlos Zambrano from the Cubs to the Miami Marlins was announced on Wednesday, passions flared from fan to foe to media. One particular Miami columnist, however, went on a tirade for the ages that sent many local readers into a panic.

“I apologize today if my recent article went a little overboard,” said reporter Herb Thomas of the Miami Muckraker Thursday in a formal apology. “When I described the possible wreckage of the water coolers I should have clarified that they were in a baseball dugout and not the ones on the outskirts of Miami that provide us all with fresh drinking water. And I apologize to the local stores that are now out of bottled water.”

It is easy to see how the general populace of Miami might think the article was about weather as opposed to baseball. The words “suck” and “blow” are used a combined 15 times, including twice in the headline: “Sucky Carlos Blows into Miami.”

“I was attempting to use a metaphor other than ‘clubhouse cancer,’” said Thomas. “But as a lifelong Miami resident I should have realized that saying ‘Carlos’ first violent torrent will set you aflame’ was contextually a bad idea.”

Thomas does stand by the last line of his article, which states, “If we don’t get out of the way, our hospitals will soon be filled with Carlos’ victims.”

By Dan Bradley

Bandwagon Dan