Spring is just around the corner and for millions of fathers across the country, that can mean only one thing — time to begin mixed martial arts training for spring youth soccer.

Spring soccer was once about the excitement of watching hoards of five-year-olds glob on top of each other while totally ignoring the rules, their coaches, or their parents. However, for an increasing number of “soccer dads” around the country, spring training means learning the mixed martial arts skills necessary to defend a family’s honor.

“I have a six year old named Caden and one of his friends, Alex, has this a-hole dad who yelled at Caden for not passing the ball,” said Steve Ramey of Grosse Pointe, Mich. “But what Alex’s dad doesn’t understand is that Caden is special, and he needs the ball because if he doesn’t have the ball he can’t score. And if he can’t score, he can’t play U-12 club soccer — which we all know is the ticket to the Olympics.”

Ramey continued. “So, the next time Alex’s dad starts spouting off about Caden being a ‘ball hog,’ I’m going to politely ask him into the octagon — wherein I will apply a combination of my judo skills and a rear-naked choke hold to shut him the hell up!”

Jeff Langcaster of Bethesda, Maryl,and has also seen success.

“My eight-year-old Gregor would always get picked on because of his stupid name,” Langcaster explained. “But three Hoyce Gracie lessons later, I confronted his coach and told him that Gregor had a cool name. The coach laughed, and said ‘No wonder the kids hate him.’ Then I tore his meniscus with a leg sweep. Now Gregor is starting forward!”

One may think there would be objection to such violence at youth soccer. Surprisingly, most American dads have come to welcome the fights as an alternative to having to watch the actual soccer game. Said one unidentified father, “Oh hell yeah!”

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