Wednesday, March 29, 2023

Calipari: ‘This is what the shady recruiting and rule-breaking is all about’

As John Calipari readied his top-ranked Wildcats for March Madness, the oft-maligned Kentucky coach took a few minutes to reflect on the hard work and dedication that's gotten him where he is today.

Shamed Calipari promises ‘professional rioters’ in wake of disappointing Lexington showing

“I’m truly sorry to our university,” said a distraught Calipari. “I spent all my time and resources recruiting professional basketball players. I totally forgot to recruit some real pros to celebrate. I mean, once this title gets vacated, what else are people going to remember?”

NHL, NHLPA stuck on whether to move Canucks, or burn Vancouver, then move Canucks

“Whether you’re a big-shot team owner or a fourth-line enforcer, everyone can agree that we’re tired of Vancouver’s crap,” said the unnamed source. “I mean, they already tore half the city down themselves. These guys just want to finish the job.”

NHL cancels holidays, month of December, passing of year

“If we’re going to get serious about playing hockey in 2012, this ticking of time thing has got to stop,” said Bettman. “I decree it perpetually November 21 until further notice.”

Adrian Peterson adds Vikings, taxes to list of things he doesn’t believe in

“Vikings? Really? I mean, you ever seen a guy with horns on his head?” said Peterson. “Seems crazy to me. Don’t believe in it. And taxes. Taxes, too. But that’s because it’s against my religious beliefs, or something.”

Blackhawks sign veteran forward Jason Voorhees to bolster physical game

“This guy has been everywhere, he’s got guts and skates with unbelievable power,” said Bowman. “Are we concerned that he has also taken the most slashing penalties in the league by far? A bit. But you can’t help but root for the guy. They mostly deserved it.”

Putin rescinds controversial gay propaganda laws after meeting Patrick Sharp

“We may have made a mistake,” said Putin. “What person would not want to grab this man by his face and kiss both cheeks more times than normal social etiquette would call for?”