The most recent Blackhawks Stanley Cup run didn’t lead to as much roster turnover as the last, but a key agitator is gone in Dave Bolland. Leave it to GM Stan Bowman to bring in reinforcements. The Hawks have signed the notorious Jason Voorhees out of the Atlantic Underwater league to help deal with physical teams like the St. Louis Blues.

“This guy has been everywhere, he’s got guts and skates with unbelievable power,” said Bowman. “Are we concerned that he has also taken the most slashing penalties in the league by far? A bit. But you can’t help but root for the guy. They mostly deserved it.”

Several Hawks players have expressed concern about playing on the Voorhees line.

“He’s definitely a guy you want on your side. But there’s a bit of a communication issue,” said legendary Hawks bleeder Andrew Shaw. “I asked him about playing in his defensive zone yesterday and he just stabbed me. I can usually handle that, but not from my own line mate.”

Coach Joel Quenneville reportedly has Voorhees working hard with assistant coach Jamie Kompon and the penalty kill unit.

“This guy kills penalties with an aggressiveness not often seen here in the NHL,” said Quenneville. “All we can do is try to harness that special skill. Also, has anybody seen coach Kompon? We haven’t heard from him since he went camping last weekend.”

Bowman concluded:

“Look, St. Louis’s kills are up to three per night. It’s time to get old school.”

Bandwagon Dan