Breaking!

The Los Angeles Angels quickly moved to void the 10-year, $254 million deal they handed Albert Pujols after a document surfaced from the Dominican Republic noting the slugger's year of birth as 1966.

Following the high-profile signings of Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson for a combined $335 million, the Angels have announced a "modest price increase" of 240 percent on all seats in Angel Stadium.

"In looking at our pitching staff, we realized we couldn’t possibly afford to make our bullpen any weaker than it already is,” said Cubs president Crane Kenney. “So we decided to send Heckler Editor-In-Chief Brad Zibung to Cincinnati and keep Marshall for another year."

The recent craze running through the state of Indiana is a hip-hop video production titled “This is Indiana,” an attempt to energize the Hoosiers fan base in the wake of a quarter-century span of futility in what is considered to be the heartland of basketball. For many fans of the cream and crimson, the video did just that.

The Knicks made a big splash when they acquired Tyson Chandler to solidify the front court, but now with so much money upfront, the plan is to load the back court with every second-tier point guard available on the market.

"What a moron!" exclaimed Pujols. "I'm like 20 years older than him and I got myself a 10-year, quarter billion dollar deal! He didn't even bother to screw over all his devoted fans. Such a joke."

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.