The Cubs have announced a deal today sending lefty reliever Sean Marshall to the Cincinnati Reds in exchange for 24-year-old hurler Travis Wood and two minor league prospects. We can exclusively report the Cubs have secretly retained Marshall and sent The Heckler’s Editor-in-Chief Brad Zibung in his place.

“In looking at our pitching staff, we realized we couldn’t possibly afford to make our bullpen any weaker than it already is,” said Cubs president Crane Kenney. “So we decided to send Brad Zibung to Cincinnati and keep Marshall for another year. That guy is the spitting image of Marshall and the entire Cubs organization has been looking to run Zibung out of town for years. This is clearly a win-win for the Cubs.”

The tall, lanky frame and perpetual five o’clock shadow will only fool the Reds for so long. Zibung’s right-handed delivery, 59 mph fastball and total inability to throw a curveball will undoubtedly raise some eyebrows when pitchers report for spring training.