Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only 8 NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Dee-troit Lions Ndamukong Suh fined $15,000 for roughing the football when blocking Fat-o-kowski’s attempted game-winning 65-yard FG in 28-27 Lions win over…well, I can’t remember. Calvin Johnson earns Master of Disaster award this week for about 2 miles of receiving/2 TDs.
9 – Denver Tebows Tebow rushes for 2 TDs in 41-23 loss to them cheatin’ ass Patriots (see N.E. capsule below). Let’s just say Santa Tebow won’t be dropping off any presents for those bad little boys and girls in New England.
8 – Atlanta Falcons Roddy White and Julio Jones (230 receiving yards/3 TDs) spend more time in the end zone than the goal posts in 41-14 Falcon beat-down of hapless Jags.
7 – San Francisco 49ers pound Pittsburgh 20-3 as Alex Smith continues his assault on a 20-TD pass season. Jeers to 49ers not paying electric bill, causing me to have to stay up waaaaaay past my bedtime last night and getting me extra-annoyed by the bland play-by-play work of Mike Tirico.
6 – Houston Texans T.J. Yates magic over in 28-13 loss to Carolina. Texans could become first team to blow a playoff berth after clinching a playoff berth. LOL, they suck at making the playoffs!!!!
5 – Pittsburgh Steelers Steelers lose 20-3 to S.F. with a QB (Big Ben) less mobile than a statue (of Liberty). I had a high ankle sprain during the filming of Rocky II, that’s how I lost (as the original script I wrote had me winning by knockout).
4 – New England Patriots Patriots beat Tebows 41-23 but, when CBS cameras were directed elsewhere, Emperor Palpatine-Belichick was shooting those lighting bolts out of his hands at Tebow. Tough but fair.
3 – New Orleans Saints Drew Brees sees so little pressure in pocket while throwing 5 TDs vs. Vikings he prepares and serves pepperoni pizza Hot Pockets for all his linemen on a 3rd-and-6 during the third quarter. Result of the play: delicious!
2 – Green Bay Packers 13-1 after falling to the Orton-led Chiefs. NFL counts this as three losses as, really, nobody should lose to anything called the Orton-led Chiefs.
1 – Oakland Raiders Just win baby! Raiders nip Lions 30-28 when Sebastian Janikowski nails 65-yard FG as time expires despite losing his big toe in a lawnmower incident and having it replaced with a Polish sausage. Raiders secure road-field advantage for game at Kansas City next week.

Program note – The Dec. 24 Christmas Eve untelevised NFL pregame show starring me and Marv Levy will feature me and Marv opening our gifts and playing strip poker with Alex Flanagan, Rachel Nichols, John Clayton, Michelle Tafoya and Frank Caliendo. We also ask Marshawn Lynch if he’s averse to having Skittles’ special Holiday Mix showered upon him after a TD instead of regular fruit flavors. Skittles, taste the rainbow!

Our deal with the NFL was also extended 95 years for $3 billion.

Patrick O. Elia