Breaking!

“We stand for low, low rates on car insurance,” said company representative Ray Reed. “But one thing you can’t skimp on is clearing skaters out of the crease. It doesn’t take a caveman to know that. Remember them? The Geico cavemen? They briefly had a sitcom. Wow.”

"With everything that has been going on this past month, I really wanted an outlet to take my mind off of this unfortunate situation," said Incognito. "And when Adam Sandler called me personally to ask if I wanted to play an obnoxious bully who only repeats the words 'O'Doyle Rules!' while trying to make people weaker than me miserable, I knew I had found that outlet."

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

In a truly inspiring story that has everybody from The Real Housewives of New Jersey to the Kardashian family media circus just heartbroken, San Diego rookie linebacker Manti Te’o paused to pay tribute to Lenny Kakua, his fake internet girlfriend, who died one year ago today.

In his latest commercial, an over-exuberant Peyton can be seen with Papa John’s owner John Schnatter placing pepperoni on a pizza.

Play along as the Bears take on the Ravens in the first of what will be seven straight "must-win" games to finish the year.

"For the Cubs, this makes all the sense in the world. We are getting out of our piss poor deal with WGN TV and could really use any means of revenue," Kenney said.