Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Detroit Lions Lions take the second half off vs. Pittsburgh, best not take the second half of the season off (I’m a-Suh-ming they won’t!). Megatron melts Steel Secondary with 179 yards/2 TDs in 37-27 loss).
9 – San Francisco 49ers SF stopped 23-20 in Superdome by Saints. Shhhh, Jim Harbaugh caught on sideline checking his phone for Alex Smith’s # as Kaepernick continues to struggle.
8 – Carolina Panthers Don’t call it a Cam-back! Newton throws 25-yard game winner to Ted Ginn, Jr. in 24-20 last minute win vs. Pats.
7 – New England Patriots Tommy Touchdown Trumped in Taut Thrilla in Carolina! Brady throws last-second end zone INT to seal agonizing Carolina KO.
6 – Indy Colts Luck & Co. limp out of Tennessee with another comeback win, 30-27 (after falling behind 14-0). Donald Brown hoists Hoosiers on his back with two rushing TDs.
5 – New Orleans Saints Field goal, field goal, field goal go the New Orleans Garrett Hartleys in the fourth quarter in comeback vs. Niners. This game was the Sunday spit bucket special.
4 – Kansas City Chiefs Chiefs fall for the first time this year, 27-17 to Denver. If I was a KC defender and I was looking at Manning doing all that pre-snap dancing around I’d jump offside and punch the chump.
3 – Seattle ‘Hawks Marshawn Manhandles Minnesota! Lynch scores 3 TDs (2 rush/1 pass) in 41-20 slaughter of the Swedes.
2 – Denver Broncos Peyton Manning knocks off undefeated Chiefs with an ankle made of molded liquid Terminator steel. The cyborg science experiment throws for 323 yards and a score.
1 – Oakland Raiders How do I like my Texan? Black & Blue, baby!!! Silver and Black sack sad sack Houston 28-23 behind 3 TD passes from 5th string QB Matt McGloin.

Program note – The November 24th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy (sponsored by Oscar Meyer bacon & Miller High Life) introduces our new segment: When the Levy Breaks. Marv goes off on what irks him these days, such as coaches that wear visors, any Skittles flavors aside from Original & hockey overtimes and shootouts (he’s aboot sick of them!).

Patrick O. Elia