The Chicago Cubs, frustrated with the lack of progress in getting an accord to re-furbish Wrigley Field, announced they have sold the naming rights to the iconic ballpark. The 20-year deal with Oklahoma City-based Saba means the stadium will be known as Appetite Control Energy Field starting in 2014. During a joint news conference, Cubs president of business operations Crane Kenney and Saba president Gary Hail outlined the benefits of the newly formed partnership.

“For the Cubs, this makes all the sense in the world. We are getting out of our piss poor deal with WGN TV and could really use any means of revenue,” Kenney said.

In addition to the name of the soon-to-be-100 year-old shrine, fans will notice several changes once they leave the area’s bars and stumble into the ballpark. As part of the deal, the Cubs will erect a giant bottle of Appetite Control Energy, otherwise known as ACE, above a pole located on Sheffield Avenue. Any time a Cubs player hits a home run into the bottle, all patrons will receive a free bottle of ACE.

“I sure hope Javier Baez and Kris Bryant don’t come up there for a few more seasons, or else we’re going to be broke,” Hail said.

The Cubs and Saba also announced the seventh inning stretch would be replaced during all Monday home games with Saba spokesman Clark Bartram’s Monday Motivation audio.

“We can’t wait to get that damn video board so people can actually watch Clark Bartram,” said Kenney. “There’s no better way to motivate our fans during another 90-loss season than with one of Bartram’s impassioned testimonials.”

The majority of fans in and out of Chicago have mocked the Cubs for playing Go Cubs Go after one of the team’s few home victories. That practice will be gone come 2014. After each Cubs win at home, the Cubs will instead play this.

“I realize this will take some getting used to for our fans, but look on the bright side: we’ll get back all that money we wasted on Edwin Jackson,” Kenney gleefully expressed.

Chicago alderman Tom Tunney declined to comment on whether or not the giant ACE bottle in right field will be approved by the city council.