Saturday, May 21, 2022

ESPN’s David Pollack wants Condoleezza Rice replaced with Ron Burgundy on playoff selection committee

“Ron Burgundy is on record as being a man who invented the wheel and who loves drinking scotch," said Pollack. "Also, he has bits of real-life panther mixed into his cologne. I can’t think of anyone more qualified to determine if Alabama should get the #1 seed in a college football playoff than that man.”

ESPN awarded ESPY for ‘Most Awesome, Unbiased Sportscasting’

"I'd just like to say thank you to all of the fans of ESPN out there who keep watching us week in and week out to hear the exact same catchphrases, jokes, and my stupid nicknames!" said Chris Berman.

Chuck Garfien fired by CSN Chicago after bad karaoke performance surfaces

"You can hear Chuck say 'it doesn't make a difference if we're naked or not,' when clearly everyone knows it's 'make it or not.' I mean the lyrics are right there in front of you. That's unacceptable."

Rooftop owners agree that backs of upscale Jumbotrons as interesting as Cubs baseball

You may not think seagull poop on a Jumbotron can be the focal point of your party,” said Zybachowski. “I tell ya, buddy, you haven’t seen seagull poop on the right Jumbotron.”

Cubs to play on rooftops across from Wrigley for rest of the season

“While the Cubs are playing on a roof across the street, we can concentrate full time on renovating Wrigley,” Cubs president Tom Ricketts said. “The owners of roofs not hosting a particular Cubs game that day or night can continue to make their money selling rooftop seating and pay the Cubs 17% of their receipts.”

Patrick Kane to choose international lockout team based on best bar scene

“Yeah, I plan on playing in Europe this year,” the star winger said. “But you know, why make a decision now? Why not just go and live it up like I’m Mr. Smirnoff? That way I can test drive the team and the city. Who has softer bar tops to pass out on, Moscow or Stockholm?"

Goodell found hiding in spider hole with Gary Bettman

With the help of the FBI, Goodell’s cellphone was tracked to a remote field in Wyoming. Authorities searched the area for several hours before finding a welcome mat in the middle of the field.