Irritable Wrigleyville rooftop club owners have been fighting many of the Cub renovation plans for months — everything from parking decks to signs to the idea of a Jumbotron overlooking the bleachers. But after witnessing a few early meltdowns on the field, the owners have conceded that the backs of many of today’s upscale Jumbotrons are, in fact, more interesting than the team itself.
“A 6,000-square-foot screen is quite a feat of architecture, my friend,” said rooftop operator Stan Zybachowski. “The back side is more aesthetically pleasing than I anticipated. Very calming. All these precariously-jutting support beams are truly representative of man’s struggle to balance the demands of an increasingly chaotic world. Wait … the bums lost? Hell with ’em.”
The rooftop owners now seem confident that their businesses will continue to thrive as long as it is a newer model Jumbotron obstructing their view. They have gone as far as to suggest the ProWatch 7000, which is made of “a more soothing iron compound.”
“You may not think seagull poop on a Jumbotron can be the focal point of your party,” said Zybachowski. “I tell ya, buddy, you haven’t seen seagull poop on the right Jumbotron.”
In return for their compliance, the rooftop owners will have first dibs at the famous Wrigley troughs.