Cubs marketing wizard Wally Hayward anticipated a herd of eager fans practically throwing their hard-earned cash at his ticket sales force when single game seats went on sale this morning, but instead all he got was the sound of crickets. A few fans lined up early but by the middle of the afternoon crowd control staffers outnumbered fans buying tickets at the Wrigley box office. Those trying to buy tickets online or over the phone reported far shorter wait times than previous years.
Citing his unwillingness to adapt the league to keep up with professional football and basketball — as well as an unbearable “old man smell” — baseball owners voted Bud Selig out as MLB Commissioner. The lone dissenting vote came from Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf, also a crotchety old man.
In a rare move of solidarity, the four major sports leagues have banded together to pass a national mandate requiring all professional athletes to have their mouths sewn shut at the signing of their first contract.
Last month the notoriously stingy Cubs unveiled a $3 beer promotion hoped to draw more fans to Wrigley's bleachers for Tuesday night games. The 60 percent discount struck some as generous until it was revealed that the discounted beers will be only four ounces, just one-third the regular size.
“It is hilarious,” said the Commander In-Chief as his wife shredded his copy. “I mean, look at this article: 'Alfonso Soriano fitted with scissor hands to trim ivy at Wrigley Field between innings.' That’s a lot more entertaining to me than watching my lovely daughter Sasha play some silly instrument.”
“It’s about time. The games have gotten so stale that it feels like nothing ever happens,” said a high ranking employee at ESPN. “It’s like watching four and a half hours of 'Entourage' reruns every time they play.”
“Let’s face it,” said Bernstein. “I am so much smarter than everyone that calls in and is employed by the station. I went to Duke for God's sake. How many times can you listen to knuckle scraping fans cry about Greg Walker or chortle 'Da Bears' before your brain shrinks to the size of a fig?”