Citing his unwillingness to adapt the league to keep up with professional football and basketball — as well as an unbearable “old man smell” — baseball owners voted Bud Selig out as MLB commissioner by a 29-1 margin. The lone dissenting vote came from White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf, who is also a crotchety old man.
“The league really needs fresh ideas right now, and all we’re getting from Bud is irrelevant proposals like banning smokeless tobacco,” Cubs owner Tom Ricketts explained. “That’s not going to help us beat NFL preseason games in the ratings. Plus, that old man smell — Jesus, it’s terrible! It smells like a fart that was bottled 50 years ago that just got released, combined with Bengay and dustballs from your attic.”
The owners also voted in Selig’s replacement: WWE chief Vince McMahon, who promises to bring more “showmanship” to the sport.
“The reason people aren’t interested in baseball is that there’s not enough action and human drama,” said McMahon, and added that going forward, batters going up to the plate will make speeches to intimidate pitchers; MVPs, Cy Young Award winners and Golden Glove recipients will be given belts instead of trophies; and HGH use will be mandatory for all players.
Also, storylines featuring rivalries between heroes and villains will become a central element of the game. “I think A.J. Pierzynski is going to make a great heel,” McMahon said.
By Brian Summerfield