While most of the parents on hand for the Sidwell Friends School clarinet and triangle recital earlier this week struggled to stay awake as their children fumbled away on instruments they should have mastered long ago, chuckles could be heard from the back row where President Barack Obama was sitting. Moments later First Lady Michelle Obama tore away the playbill her husband was pretending to read and discovered he had instead been scanning a copy of The Heckler.

“It is hilarious,” said the Commander In-Chief as his wife shredded his copy. “I mean, look at this article: ‘Alfonso Soriano fitted with scissor hands to trim ivy at Wrigley Field between innings.’ That’s a lot more entertaining to me than watching my lovely daughter Sasha play some silly instrument.”

The President revealed he’s been a fan of The Heckler since 2004 and stashes copies all around the White House and aboard Air Force One. He also admitted he had thought columnist “Loco” Rob was a fictional character until he met him while taking a restroom break during a White Sox game last season.

Fox News anchors surprisingly sided with the President’s etiquette breach at Sasha’s recital, admitting they all read The Heckler religiously and often eschew bathing and clothing their children to read the periodical.

Patrick O. Elia