Fans across the country have finally stood up and declared that they no longer care about the Yankees or Red Sox. Citing the lowest ratings since the early 1990s, Major League Baseball has decided to pull the storied rivalry from the national spotlight.
Bud Selig announced Monday morning that games between the A.L. juggernauts will no longer be nationally televised. Instead, they will only be shown on their regional networks (YES and NESN respectively).
“It’s about time. The games have gotten so stale that it feels like nothing ever happens,” said a high ranking employee at ESPN. “It’s like watching four and a half hours of ‘Entourage’ reruns every time they play.”
ESPN viewers hoping to catch SportsCenter at 11 p.m. Sunday were forced to wait … and wait some more. Sunday night’s game clocked in at an excruciating four hours and fifteen minutes, which was actually a half hour off the average time of game in any given Yankees-Sox series.
“Good rivalries need an underdog,” said documentarian Ken Burns. “Absolutely nobody outside of the Northeast wants to see either of these teams win anymore.”
MLB’s new national plan will be to highlight some of their “lesser known” teams. This upcoming Saturday’s Yankees-Rays game has been replaced on FOX by Astros-Dodgers, a game that will feature hitting sensation Matt Kemp and no one else.
“It’s time we showed America some of our other star players, ya know, before they sign with the Yankees or the Red Sox,” said former Yankees manager, and current Executive V.P. of MLB, Joe Torre. “Do any of you know Oakland’s roster? I work for the commissioner and I don’t have a clue.”
In light of the shakeup, ESPN will no longer even air Yankees or Sox highlights. Their signature baseball program, “Baseball Tonight,” will be slashed to ten minutes per episode. It is unclear what will fill the vacated 20 minutes on their schedule, but rumors state a new show named “Tiger Woods and Brett Favre Tonight” will fill the time slot.