Ricketts drinks too much Cubbie Cool-Aid, turns into giant blueberry
“We have the premier manager in all the game in Joe Maddon, we signed a three-time World Series champion in Jon Lester, and our Spring Training facility is the best in all of MLB,” said Ricketts. “To top it off, Edwin Jackson will rebound in 2015 to win 25 games and take home Cy Young Award honors.”
Eddie Olczyk headed to rehab after ice cream binge
"For years, Eddie has struggled to keep his love of soft-serve ice cream under control. While his obsession with the frozen treat may seem harmless, like when he jokes with partner Pat Foley about getting some ice cream during broadcasts, it can lead to destructive behavior. We all love Eddie and just want him to get better soon."
Fox says Bears defense will ditch ‘Prevent 60’ scheme next year
"While the scheme technically achieved its objective, it's been my experience that setting more challenging goals is the way to go," said Fox. "It's pretty basic. If you only score 20 to 30 points per game on average, then holding the other team to 55 isn't going to result in victory."
Cubs regret trying to save money by having Jon Lester rebuild bleachers
"When they told me I would be a central piece of the team's rebuilding project, I thought 'sure, I'll do my best to bring a winning attitude,'" said the former Red Sox ace. "It came as a complete shock when [GM Theo] Epstein handed me the keys to a bulldozer and told me to get to work."
John Fox hiring immediately fixes everything wrong with the Bears
After beginning the offseason cleaning house by firing head coach Marc Trestman and general manager Phil Emery, the Bears have announced that they have hired recently fired Broncos head coach John Fox in a move that will immediately fix every single thing that is wrong with the team in every way imaginable.
Cubs announce ‘Sporting News World Series Prediction Commemorative Pin Night’
"This really is a unique moment in history for the team," Cubs President Theo Epstein said. "For many years we've had special celebrations for rosters that achieved dubious distinctions, such as almost winning the pennant or division, or gaining a Wild Card berth. This time we can actually add the words 'World Series' to the pin."
Toews cuts back to 23 hours of practice on non-game days
"Obviously, it's a slippery slope. First I cut back to three hours of skating drills before lunch, and next thing you know I'm going to bed without doing my usual 1,000 squats. But, it would be really nice to eat dinner or maybe even watch half an episode of Breaking Bad. That's still on the air, right? I haven't turned on my TV in three years."
