After beginning the offseason cleaning house by firing head coach Marc Trestman and general manager Phil Emery, the Bears have announced that they have hired recently fired Broncos head coach John Fox in a move that will immediately fix every single thing that is wrong with the team in every way imaginable.

New GM Ryan Pace told announced the hiring while saying, “We’re pleased to have John Fox on board to right the ship, and I can say with complete confidence that this hiring will completely turn around the Chicago Bears and remove every single fault they ever had, from their porous defense to their wildly inconsistent play at quarterback.”

After a disappointing 5-11 record in 2014, John Fox promises to make the Bears an instant Super Bowl contender with a Hall of Fame caliber quarterback and the best defense and special teams in the league. When asked about the high expectations he was facing, a modest Fox said, “Well, I don’t know if I can fix everything, but I can promise you that I will take this team to the Super Bowl next year with a 16-0 regular season record, at which point we will set a record for worst Super Bowl loss since my Broncos lost to the Seahawks last year.”

Jeff GoodSmith