NHL

As of now, Kane appears to still be under the impression that he merely will be playing exhibition games at a casino, which he was informed had "free bottle service and a VIP strip club for American-born NHL players only."

This Halloween, immortalize your favorite (or least favorite) sports personality by carving them into a Jock-O-Lantern!

The injury, oddly, had almost no effect on Bettman, who is expected to recover fully. After the pencil was removed, much of the shrapnel remained in the victim’s head, but, according to doctors, this hasn’t yet affected his normal state.

“Yeah, I plan on playing in Europe this year,” the star winger said. “But you know, why make a decision now? Why not just go and live it up like I’m Mr. Smirnoff? That way I can test drive the team and the city. Who has softer bar tops to pass out on, Moscow or Stockholm?"

With the help of the FBI, Goodell’s cellphone was tracked to a remote field in Wyoming. Authorities searched the area for several hours before finding a welcome mat in the middle of the field.

The manager of GameStop Detroit phoned 911 and pleaded for help, "They're trying to break in! They want to play their game but we think it's an unfair deal for GameStop. A game of this caliber should be going for $70, not $60! I mean, come on! There's a new freaking skating physics engine for Christ's sake. These gamers have had it too good for too long!"

Wanting to show that he can party just as hard as teammate Patrick Kane, Blackhawks star Jonathan Toews announced today that he will begin traveling with the Lawrence Welk tribute band.