GameStop stores around the North America kept their doors locked this morning to keep out customers looking to purchase EA Sports’ NHL ’13. Thousands of video hockey enthusiasts lined up outside GameStop hoping to get first crack at the latest installment in the series, only to find large window signs showing: “NHL 13 LOCKOUT: GO AWAY!” Civil unrest was reported at a GameStop in Detroit, where angry shoppers threw octopi at windows, in hopes of smashing them open. But since the unintelligent Red Wings fans didn’t realize octopi are soft and squishy, the hurled mollusks just stuck to the windows and made an awful mess.
The manager of GameStop Detroit phoned 911 and pleaded for help, “They’re trying to break in! They want to play their game but we think it’s an unfair deal for GameStop. A game of this caliber should be going for $70, not $60! I mean, come on! There’s a new freaking skating physics engine for Christ’s sake. These gamers have had it too good for too long!”
In Vancouver, several drunken idiots in Canucks jerseys commandeered a Zamboni and smashed through the door of a local GameStop.
“There’s a lockout? For what?” replied one toothless, mulleted fan when asked if he was rioting because of the NHL 13 lockout.
Such an uproar over a hockey video game has not been seen since the now-infamous release of NHL 2005. Due to a lengthy argument between retailers and consumers, which was just as stupid and pointless as the current tiff, nobody was ever actually able to purchase NHL 2005. Thus, the virtual Stanley Cup was never proudly hoisted by anyone for the first time in history.