Washington Redskins rookie quarterback Robert Griffin III had a successful two-week run, but his career was cut short this afternoon when a UPS box containing a new and improved RG4 model arrived at the Redskins’ training facility.

“RG3 fared very well,” said Redskins owner Dan Snyder. “But this new and improved model is even faster and more dynamic. In addition to laser-precision passing, he actually shoots lasers out of his eyes at opponents. Frankly, it’s quite an upgrade.”