In the wake of banning supersized soda in New York, Mayor Bloomberg has banned the Mets from setting foot in Manhattan.
“We find that, by having banned supersized soda, crime and murder are eliminated from our streets,” the mayor said. “We are taking it a step further and anticipate a city filled with citizens who whistle while they work because they no longer have the Mets weighing heavy on their minds.”
Economy experts predict that productivity will rise and the economy will get better as employees on Wall Street, Madison Avenue and at Macy’s concentrate on the stock market, advertising and on customer service.
“Things have gotten better overnight as indicated by the Beveridge curve, Hubbert curve, Rahn curve and Lorenz curve, all of which bend better than any curve a Mets pitcher ever threw, and no Mets player could ever hit,” said David Broder of Meet the Press.
People have also lost weight since the announcement.
“I was a comfort food junkie because of the Mets,” Clyde Van Wick of NY said. “But since the Mets are banned from Manhattan, I’ve regained my diet since I’m no longer an unfocused, miserable prick.”
The banishment of the Mets has been a long time coming. The average New Yorker committed 1.2 murders and 4.7 bank robberies per year since November 2006. Subsequent jailhouse interviews of convicts conducted by Dateline and 48 Hours revealed that, in all cases, these crazies were pissed-off Mets fans.
“Sure, I buried bodies under my house, but that was because they pushed me a bit too far while we were watching the Mets game on TV in my man cave,” Convict X said while his face was pixelated to conceal his identity.
By Rob C. Christiansen