Sports Business

"We'd like to thank Coors for their continued support of the Colorado Rockies, but with all due respect, we'd like our stadium to be sponsored by a local beer that doesn't taste like moldy rainwater," said Monfort. "Unfortunately the only local brewery with a sponsorship budget is Coors so we're going to have to get creative if we want our park named after a beer that doesn't suck."

"What the [expletive deleted] is this?" shouted Guillen. "You try to hang me with this [expletive deleted] contract? It's the reason I'm out of a job right now you son of a bitch."

Sox manager and profanity machine Ozzie Guillen announced Monday night that he would be leaving the team to accept a similar position with the minor-league Miami Marlins.

"Yeah. You know. China's cool," said Rose. "I just came back from a tour there and they really love me and most importantly, you know, they love buying my shoes."

"With New York out of the picture, we have determined that the rest of the post-season is simply not fiscally viable," said Fox Sports spokesperson, Stacey Cooper. "We've informed [MLB commissioner] Bud Selig of our decision and he has, understandably, consented."

“Not one member on that team is good enough to play here,” said Sox owner John Henry. “But those golden pipes of Pat Hughes are well-suited to broadcast games from Fenway.”

Campbell, who was unemployed for several months before landing his current job in February and missed a couple of credit card payments since the beginning of the year, claims Peña — who has been in the Majors for 11 seasons — is only going to go up in value.