Hung-over Bears fan already too close to puking to watch season finale
“The first camera shot of Mike Martz and it would be all over,” said Benson, who partied until 4 a.m. on New Year’s Eve. “We just had the rug cleaned, so I’d rather not splatter it with the greasy eggs and sausage I just ate in hopes of getting over last night.”
End of world to finally put Cubs fans out of their misery
"Bring it on!" said lifelong Cubs fan Pete McManus. "I'd rather see the Earth destroyed in a fiery apocalypse than sit through another season of maddening, mediocre baseball, only to see St. Louis or some other team I hate win yet another World Series."
Superman resolves to be more like Jonathan Toews in 2012
“It starts with the little things,” said the man of steel. “I need to work hard 100% of the time, just like Mr. Toews does. No more turning up the TV, pretending I didn’t hear that damsel in distress screaming on the train tracks as the locomotive approaches.”
Man wakes from 14-month coma, misses Knicks ‘good’ stretch
All 24-year-old Greg Lewis ever wanted was to see his beloved Knicks win a NBA championship. When a freak hayride accident placed him in a yearlong coma in 2009, it looked like he may never get that chance, but Greg persevered and miraculously woke from his slumber last Tuesday.
Stupid Hoosiers, Cutler, Snooki and a shirtless Toews: The Heckler’s 10 most popular 2011...
2011 was quite an eventful year in the world of unbelievable sports news, but given The Heckler's list of top 10 posts during the year, it's pretty clear our audience cared mostly about ripping on people from Indiana, Jay Cutler and sex.
Marino vows to hold onto NutriSystem ads after Brees breaks passing record
“He’ll never take that from me,” gurgled Marino. Sobbingly, he picked his head up, stared at the three reporters in the room and muttered, “I’m in the best shape of my life. And I eat pizza, pasta, and even burgers.”
MJ announces plan to move past Kobe on all-time marriage list
"That makes two," said Jordan, referring to the number of wives or ex-wives he'll soon have, compared to Bryant's paltry one. "I have the rings. I have the wives. What else is there, really?"
