On the one hand, Wilmette native Bob Benson wants to watch the Bears close out their season against the Minnesota Vikings. Unfortunately, he’s way too close to puking to chance it.

“The first camera shot of Mike Martz and it would be all over,” said Benson, who partied until 4 a.m. on New Year’s Eve. “We just had the rug cleaned, so I’d rather not splatter it with the greasy eggs and sausage I just ate in hopes of getting over last night.”

Other possible vomit-inducing aspects of the game Benson will avoid include wasted timeouts, FOX’s worst broadcast team, the way Lovie Smith just stares into space, assurances by the team that the entire coaching staff will return next season, the Bears’ record being projected on-screen, those terrible Miller Lite commercials and the entire Bears’ offensive line.

Heckler George