Since 1984, Dan Marino has held the NFL single-season passing yards record. But on Monday night, New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees led his team to victory and throttled past the long standing 5,087-yard mark once held by the legendary Dolphin.

The record was a feat Marino held dearly. During a small press conference, a bitter Marino issued a back-handed congratulations to Brees.

“I’m happy for him,” Marino said while choking back tears. “Since I’ve never won a Super Bowl, my claim to fame was basically being a great individual player. Now that’s gone too. He’s got a ring. Why does he need my records?”

Marino instantly clutched the only thing left in his professional life: His television commercials for the pre-packaged food and weight loss program, NutriSystem.

“He’ll never take that from me,” gurgled Marino. Sobbingly, he picked his head up, stared at the three reporters in the room and muttered, “I’m in the best shape of my life. And I eat pizza, pasta, and even burgers.”

Marino continued to perform his commercial, but only unintelligible statements were heard through a stream of bawling outbursts and cries of “Why!?”

Former Dolphins head coach, Don Shula, was immediately called to the press conference to help ease Marino’s pain. However, upon seeing the cameras, Shula instantly went into his own verbal routine of selling NutriSystem Silver, leaving the dejected Marino in the background. The press conference ended soon thereafter.

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