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Four punts on third down and the special teams coach calling for a rouge nearly cost the Bears a season-opening win in their game against the Bengals.

“When the pro football season starts, I’m like a boxer in training,” Rodney Tripp, 21, of Cleveland, a staunch Browns fan, said. “No touchy the paw paw until after the Super Bowl.”

"I wanted to reassure all of them that soon the Cubs will be a consistently winning franchise, just not right now," Ricketts said. "Our top prospects are only in A and AA ball but when they finally do get the call to the majors we will be ready for them with new toilets and a big bright Budweiser sign in right field at Wrigley."

“I’ll be damned if we’ll lose 100 games again,” skipper Dale Sveum told Cubs.com. “These new guys are here to contribute to the ball club.”

Apparently, the plan is part of the Cubs already dismal September call-ups. When contacted by the Heckler for further reasoning, Epstein explained.

The owners have all agreed that if each and every player agrees not to file a lawsuit over head trauma sustained from concussions, they will all be allowed to live on Elysium when they retire.

"Apparently [former head coach] Lovie Smith thought the offense was moving too fast sometimes," said Urlacher. "So we'd constantly be burning timeouts and delaying play calls in an effort to create the right pace. It didn't work as well as the whole faking injuries on defense thing, but you live and learn."