A survey co-sponsored by the National Football League and U.S. Department of Health and Human Services revealed that an overwhelming 93 percent of males ages 18 to 34 prefer the NFL to having sex.

Ryan O’Reilly, 33, and a 20-year fan of the NFL who lives on Chicago’s south side, told post-survey interviewers, “There’s nothing in my life as important as watching my beloved Bears. When it’s pigskin go-time, I pack up the wife and kids and send them to her mother’s house,” O’Reilly said. ”I do allow a visitation on Christmas morning, but only until 9 a.m. and before the pregame.”

“When the pro football season starts, I’m like a boxer in training,” Rodney Tripp, 21, of Cleveland, a staunch Browns fan, said. “No touchy the paw paw until after the Super Bowl.”

Equally stunning was the number of respondents who said they leave their jobs before the season begins. A whopping 64 percent asked their employers to lay them off in September. “I can easily live on my $200 per week unemployment check,” Arthur “Swede” Anderson of Minneapolis said. “Two hundred bucks buys a lot of pork rinds and Grain Belt beer.”

Of the remaining seven percent of the survey’s respondents, three percent said they preferred harness horse racing to sex with another 4 percent saying they were neither familiar with the NFL or sex.