Taking a cue from Ryan Braun, Cubs owner Tom Ricketts personally called every season-ticket holder and apologized for the last 105 years of Cubs ineptitude.

“I wanted to reassure all of them that soon the Cubs will be a consistently winning franchise, just not right now,” Ricketts said. “Our top prospects are only in A and AA ball but when they finally do get the call to the majors we will be ready for them with new toilets and a big bright Budweiser sign in right field at Wrigley. So kind of ignore 2014 and probably 2015 but by 2016, we’ll finally have a World Series trophy to put next to our BP Cup!”

Mariotti Jr.