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Searching for answers to his sorrow over the team, Schlober contacted a doctor in the Virgin Islands who agreed to render him comatose through September 29, when the last game of the season is played.

Drinks and food are included in the price of the party ticket. A special raffle will be held with Gregg memorabilia as the prizes, including the pitcher’s signature goggles and several pieces of game-used chewing gum.

"Aw man, a ring's a ring," James said. "ESPN told me I could include it. They love me there. Could I buy other players' rings or do I really have to win give more to pass Michael? Man, that's a lot of flopping."

“Why not Saban?” a source close to the team said. “Cubs management already said they won’t sign any expensive free agents in the off-season. With the pile of goo we have coming back next year, Saban would be just as good as any of them.”

“I couldn’t hold it any longer. My tongue was hanging out thinking about the Wiz Cheesesteak sandwich and the Freedom Fries,“ Reid told ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio, his BFF from his days as the Eagles coach.

“I want to tell all you hayseeds, rubes and country bumpkins from the bottom of my heart how sorry I am for casting a pall upon your miserable moonshine drinking, roto-tilling, cow-tipping lives,” said Pelini.

“Once Gunnison draws his last breath, around late January to early March, he will enter that cocoon known as the afterlife, or deathtime,” said Dr. Mudder, a specialist. “This period in Gunnison’s nonexistence is expected to last long enough for the Cubs to win as many as 10 World Series championships, even if it's not for like another 200 years.”